The thing I’ve learnt about life (you know, because I am so old and wise) is that any individual’s happiness is ultimately in their own hands. Yes, external circumstances might make it harder or easier to be happy, but what you do in that situation and how you decide to live your life is inevitably in the hands of only yourself and no one else or nothing else. Now fear, fear is the thing that will magnanimously turn out to be your worst enemy. Fear will rob your of what should be yours, and fear will cripple you and leave you there to slowly disintegrate into the worst version of yourself that you can be. But guess what, the thing about fear is that, it’s existence is, just as much in your own hands. Crush it! it can be done.
For me, my greatest fear, quite possibly linking directly to my lack of deep meaningful relationships, has been the fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable around another person who might (or might not, but I tend to focus on the ‘might’ as the inevitable) leave me hurt and shattered in the end. This is not an unfounded notion that I have. I have been in the past deeply heart-broken. It took me two years and a year away to get over this and find ways to put the pieces back together. At that time I didn’t think I would ever recover, but I did, and all on my own. Still, despite having moved past that, I found that I couldn’t let anyone else ever get close to me. It was my subconscious’ self preservation mechanism kicking in and I let it because I felt safe. But the reality was that I was not living in safety and security but in constant fear. Fear of being hurt by someone I would grow to deeply care about. Fear of being exposed to my every last vulnerability and then having the person betray me. But the truth is, even in those post ‘apocalyptic relationship’ safe years when I kept everyone at arms length did not make me any happier. I was in fact aloof and felt like life was a solitary mission. That was not normal or healthy. I’ve spent/wasted a great number of years trying to protect myself and it is only now that I realize how wrong my approach to life has been. Its still not perfect but I am much more open to letting people into my life. So I might get hurt or maybe even hurt someone, but that’s part of life. Nothing is perfect and wrinkle free. The bumps in the road are a risk we should be willing to take.
Despite a faint feeling that the person I have allowed back into my life is being given too much ammunition to eventually hurt me very badly, I still choose to give it a shot. He may hurt me, he may not, but in the process, I find myself happier. Laughing. Reminiscing. And this is infinitely better than being cautious and avoiding all possibilities of a broken me in the future. I figure I am already fractured and glued together in several places, whats another crack. Besides, it makes for a much more interesting portfolio.
Take chances, crush that fear, allow yourself to be happy, even if it means your odds are minimal. That one month, one week, one day, of sheer joy will ultimately be the only thing you will remember and get nostalgic about. Lets choose to allow ourselves to be happier, to be happy.