contentment, embracing yourself, existential crisis, lessons, life, love, ramblings, thoughts, woman, words, writing

Finding My Ways

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I am at once so many different versions of myself. Yesterday I loved the way my hips swayed and the way his fingers pressed into my sides in heat and passion and love. Today I scrub a little harder under the duress-ed pressure of the hot water gushing through the shower head lost in thoughts of reprimanding. I may sometimes question your judgement a little bit, but I promise to be the one sitting across you in my Swiss wool socks ready to consume and comprehend the words you will spill in hatred and anger, or those lighter ones said in joy and pure innocent glee because I will completely understand the need. I will some days willingly guide you through the web of life the best way I can, and some days I will ask that you find in yourself the solutions to your problems you have always known but refuse to accept. Some days I will be angry. Some days I may smile. Other days I will be at once the fiery orange in my curly brown hair, wind-blown and unkempt, and yet press feather light kisses on your cheeks and your forehead in my summer peach lips to let you know I am here, always. Today you may find me voraciously reading guides on how to get ahead in life because I say that the go-getter in me needs to be nourished, forget contentment. And tomorrow I will wake up to prayers in praises to spirituality, to learn and practice compassion, to be simple and want simple, accepting that less really is more. Because, I am at once so many different versions of myself. Tomorrow I will love you fiercely, that overwhelming kind of love that leaves you dizzy like you’ve have one too many mint juleps on a hot summer southern morning. Balmy, dazed and incomprehensible in pleasure. But maybe I will be the ice, the winter gush pushing you back because foolishly I will believe I am no good for anyone. Some days are clear days. Some days I am lost.

Everyone talks about being true to yourself. But we are never just one version of ourselves to be true to. There lies within you and me, many different us, so which one do we choose to be true to. We are all at once givers and takers, of responsibilities, of dreams, of hopes, of support, and of love. Some days we need more than we can give. Other times we are happy being the one giving all we can. Circumstances have over the years created many different versions of myself. Yesterday I promised myself I will try to keep the light burning for them, to be the flicker of hope of what could be because I know what is right, I know what is best. Yet today I find myself committed to yesterday’s goals but frantically searching for the hinge on which I might peg my own being so I do not find myself lost in the same darkness. Because, some days are clear days, and some days I am lost.

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embracing yourself, existential crisis, lessons, life, love, moments, stories, thoughts, words, writing

Taming the Chaos in Reverie

Image: theclotheshorse

Image: theclotheshorse

“The thing to learn from this my dear,” she said, “is that even in perfection there are perfect invalidation. What begins must end, but what breaks apart will also somehow eventually come together. Such is the way. The existence of every sentiment, feeling, incident, experience, effort, thought, words, and everything else in between is makes up what is, your life, and mine. His life and hers. All the same. There is of course beauty in the beauty of momentarily getting caught up in life’s little quips and whims. It is what is thrown onto your path to make life worth living and appreciating. Don’t fear its capricious ways, don’t fear of being left hollow and alone at the end, don’t fear its spill overs, don’t fear hurt or hurting, don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear, my dear,” she said. “It is not this or that, it is not your reaction to survive the bitterness you’ve been trying to scrub away, but it is also not your genuine desire to be here, it is what happens when its meant to happen. You do not need to have it all figured out, ever! That is a requirement humans place on themselves constantly but oh-so-unnecessarily. Embrace the vagueness for once because no one is going to quiz you on how superficially you understood it in the end. No, no, it is just that, superficiality, because the thing about these almost perfect situations is that it has no bottom to measure its depth. It is only as deep as you pursue it. So many of us forget and tire of the pursuit so we create a bottom and claim thats as far as it was capable of going, but that’s not true my dear, it is as deep, as profound, and as extreme as you allow it to be. There is both beauty and ugliness in that. If you understand it, its perfect. But as I said when I started this conversation, even in perfection there are perfect invalidation,” she sighed. “Allow yourself to be happy, allow other people to be happy, it may not be your responsibility but it is possible. Your brokenness is not reason enough to stop it. Don’t fear, don’t fear, don’t fear my dear,” she said and disappeared back into the sleepy abyss from where I had dreamed her up.

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contentment, existential crisis, lessons, life, ramblings, stories, twenty-somethings, Uncategorized, woman, words, writing

Broken Poetry

Image: eye.fashionary.org

The severe cracks no one sees;
afraid to let him run his hands along the fractures of my being;
they say to be human is to be broken;
but to be broken is to be unwanted;
still the shrouded torments break with it;
my current will but also my current struggles;
seeking solace in the strings of companionship;
and the frayed ends of love;
to be human is to be broken;
but to be broken is to be life’s poetry.
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