contentment, embracing yourself, life, love, moments, thoughts, words

A Place of My Own

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There is this place I like to go to, it is my safe place; this place belongs only to me, it is where my heart beats; no stress, no pain, no words, no refrain; I can laugh, I can cry, I can think, I can sleep; this place it is mine and where my emotions keep. There is place I like to go, it is where I heal; this place belongs only to me, it is where I live; its warm, its loving, its honest, its giving; I inhale, I exhale, I love, I feel; this place it really is mine and where I shall forever breathe.

 

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embracing yourself, life, love, moments, romance, stories, thoughts, twenty-somethings, woman

Simple Beginnings

“Today is January 1st, 2015. What do you want to do with your life this year?” she asks me smirking because I am notorious for making resolutions I cannot keep. I laugh inwardly because I know its true, I’ve always been one too ‘determined to lose a few pounds,’ ‘learn a musical instrument,’ ‘gossip less,’ ‘be more charitable,’ ‘do yoga consistently,’ etc. etc. It lasts exactly 1 month before I knowingly brush my “resolutions” aside because of my new found life motto of ‘being true to how and who you truly are.’ Everything is easily manipulated to suit my owns moods, needs, desires, wants, in this girl’s life. But not this time.

Today is January 1st, 2015 and I want things to be exactly the way they were when I was woken up this morning by an alarm set at 11:50pm on December 31st so that we are awake for midnight together. To find myself so determined to want to be doing something so that my superstitious self can revel in the mere fact that that apparently will set the tone for the rest of the year. I’ve had youthful drunken New Years after party hopping and dancing till my feet hurt, I’ve had comforting New Years surrounded by family delighting in each other’s quips, I’ve had memorable New Years spent making last memories with friends who I will lose before the year ends, I’ve had depressing New Years where I will find myself asleep before the ball drops after having had one too many glasses of wine, I’ve had adventurous New Years where I will find myself walking down the main-street of a great metropolis dressed in only a strapless dress and heels in –1° weather. So much laughter, tears, love, loss and yet, this New Years has been the most meaningful. I don’t know if it is an age thing or if its just my good luck….the simple joys of life I spent indulging in this New Years (where I have not made a single resolution by the way) has come to mean the most. I hope this does set the tone for the year. So that I will find myself constantly amused and amazed, loved and in love, laughing and screaming, eating and drinking, sharing and just being. This New Years I am thankful for life and all the wonderful people it blesses me with.

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Birthday Post

 

Image from Monica Net on Pinterest

Image from Monica Net on Pinterest

Yesterday, August 17th, was my birthday and ever since the last sip of champagne had at dinner I have felt like I needed to make a post….not just any ordinary post, but a profound birthday post. One where I share the lessons I might have learnt from the epic journeys I have made, or a splendidly satirical story from the day when a friend did something funny. But as I sat down to write a post the first time, I came up with nothing. It was not because my life hasn’t been an epic journey on its own, or there haven’t been important lessons learnt. Not even because I do not have extremely funny friends, I do,  as a matter of fact a funny incident occurred on my birthday which involved the idea of vandalizing public property because in a year or two none of us will be in our twenties and being caught for public vandalism in your thirties is just oh-so-unbecoming, and references to spilled semen (yes, yes, you read it right, semen!). But that is a story for another time. Anyway, the reason why I came up with nothing is because for once in my life, I feel the most at peace with myself. While there might not have been extremely interesting events to share about, I also have not had extremely low points like I used to. Life I think has finally been allowed to keep on keeping on without my own over-thinking, sabotaging old ways. It could be age, or wisdom (*cough*cough), or the guidance I have had in my family and friends, whatever it may be, I find myself on my birthday, extremely grateful.

My creative side could not conjure up the words to describe where I am in my life any better than the following words by Robert M. Drake:

then, she began to breathe,
and live, and every moment
took her to a place where
goodbyes were hard to come
by. she was in love, but not
in love with someone or
something, she was in love
with her life. and for the first time, in a long time,
everything was inspiring.

Thank you for all the birthday love from those near and far 🙂

 

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A little Introspection through Retrospection

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All of us make the mistake of realizing something after it’s too late. I know I am definitely not myself a carpe diem type of person, but I try to be, especially when I know if I don’t do something, or say something, or accept something in that very moment, that when I am left in the shadows of that moments departing light, I will almost immediately regret it. Yes its rightly said that there has to be a balance for everything – a right so we know what is wrong; a sadness so we really appreciate joy; a darkness so we value the light; a yin to every yang – but one does not have to be found standing in the midst of the settling dust of a moment past in order to realize what you had or could have had. We are, each one of us, capable and intelligent enough to realize it while we are in the moment. It is only a matter of allowing ourselves to take a moment, just a little moment of introspection to realize it. I would urge everyone to, at any moment in their life, take a few moments to think about all those things in your life that are at the brink of brilliance, and realize what it is you must do in order to make it happen. Do you love someone? Say it now. Do you wish you could do something in particular? Just do it already (wait! unless it is something that will harm or hurt someone else, then you need to go to the second level of introspection i.e. psychotherapy haha just kidding. But really, do not harm other beings! None of us have the right). My brothers have always used ‘practice what you preach’ as their retaliation to most advice they’ve been given, so in order prove that I am practicing what I am preaching here are two major decisions I have made (major for me, kinda insignificant and pathetic for someone who just happened to stumble upon my blog and has no idea just WTF I am talking about. For those folks, I say, sorry…OR, you can go through my blog archives and get to know me better so by the time you get here and re-read this, you will be like, “YOU GO GIRL!!! Just a suggestion).

Okay, 1: I have looked into two writing programs. I have decided that whether I succeed or fail at getting into these two programs I don’t care, the first step is to try it. I know I want to write, and I feel a MFA would be a good place to start. Additionally, these two programs also happen to be in schools located in two of my favorite cities in the world. So this also covers my desire to relocate for a while. Two stones…no, two birds one stone….something like that.

2: I am going to ask a man out for the first time in my life. I am kinda known to banter about gender equality quite often but then one day I sat down to think about this interesting fellow I’ve met, and even though I am rather intrigued by him, I just don’t do anything about it. Why? because during one of my 2pm I-ate-too-much-lunch-and-cannot-work-but-will-daydream moment of INTROSPECTION (see, doing this leads to some crazy breakthroughs because I am about to tell you how I am going to be breaking gender stereotypes in a second), I realized I’ve never in my life asked any man out. So, I am going to do it (Boom! stereotype broken!!!). Because really I kind of think hes interesting, funny, and nice. So, carpe-f****-diem!

There, see, preaching what you sow, or reaping what you sow…..I can never get proverbs or idioms right the first time around. And then I say I want to be a writer 😦 Oh well!

Anyway, in light of my “words of wisdom” about brightening your life, here is an illuminating poem by the irradiating poetess Emily Dickinson 🙂 (See what I did there?) 

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“By a Departing Light” – Emily Dickinson

By a departing light
We see acuter, quite,
Than by a wick that stays,
There’s something in the flight
That clarifies the sight
And decks the rays.

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Proliferating this love

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A woman, two men. Each one so diverse in existence. In personalities, in manifestations, in experiences, in kindness, in hopes and dreams. But, each one in love. One man providing the security, guidance and encouragement she seeks. The other a fireball of passion and palpable strength that heroes are made of. Each one so diverse in their being. She chooses not for the fear of being left again in that dark corner, just one woman. One woman. Solitary and unappreciated. Fearful and lonely. Analysis paralysis. Each tiny step each day with the first man only surpassed and succeeded by the other. Like they knew, like they were in competition with each other. But of course that was not true. Neither knew the existence of the other. Each one thinking every additional swell of emotion marked the proliferation of their love. She is in her selfishness and fear for the most part, aware of the beautiful disaster she was creating. Just like the strokes of her brushes, one stroke, two stroke, each one adding to the chaos on the canvas. Each one so diverse in their existence. Each one brilliant on their own, but each one so aggrandized by the other. She knew that. There was always some joy in knowing herself as the cause of such a beautiful web. One woman, two men. Each one so diverse in existence, each one so complemented by the flaws each other. Each one non-existent were it not for the other.

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b57f9d8cde16233093dd7e76557a49b4…..but then I’ve also heard that the most certain thing about life is uncertainty. In which case, my precariously uncertain situation in life right now seems to be the most certain place I need to be at the moment. There is some strange comfort in that.

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Uncertainly Certain Life

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Choose to be Happier

The thing I’ve learnt about life (you know, because I am so old and wise) is that any individual’s happiness is ultimately in their own hands. Yes, external circumstances might make it harder or easier to be happy, but what you do in that situation and how you decide to live your life is inevitably in the hands of only yourself and no one else or nothing else. Now fear, fear is the thing that will magnanimously turn out to be your worst enemy. Fear will rob your of what should be yours, and fear will cripple you and leave you there to slowly disintegrate into the worst version of yourself that you can be. But guess what, the thing about fear is that, it’s existence is, just as much in your own hands. Crush it! it can be done.

For me, my greatest fear, quite possibly linking directly to my lack of deep meaningful relationships, has been the fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable around another person who might (or might not, but I tend to focus on the ‘might’ as the inevitable) leave me hurt and shattered in the end. This is not an unfounded notion that I have. I have been in the past deeply heart-broken. It took me two years and a year away to get over this and find ways to put the pieces back together. At that time I didn’t think I would ever recover, but I did, and all on my own. Still, despite having moved past that, I found that I couldn’t let anyone else ever get close to me. It was my subconscious’ self preservation mechanism kicking in and I let it because I felt safe. But the reality was that I was not living in safety and security but in constant fear. Fear of being hurt by someone I would grow to deeply care about. Fear of being exposed to my every last vulnerability and then having the person betray me. But the truth is, even in those post ‘apocalyptic relationship’ safe years when I kept everyone at arms length did not make me any happier. I was in fact aloof and felt like life was a solitary mission. That was not normal or healthy. I’ve spent/wasted a great number of years trying to protect myself and it is only now that I realize how wrong my approach to life has been. Its still not perfect but I am much more open to letting people into my life. So I might get hurt or maybe even hurt someone, but that’s part of life. Nothing is perfect and wrinkle free. The bumps in the road are a risk we should be willing to take.

Despite a faint feeling that the person I have allowed back into my life is being given too much ammunition to eventually hurt me very badly, I still choose to give it a shot. He may hurt me, he may not, but in the process, I find myself happier. Laughing. Reminiscing. And this is infinitely better than being cautious and avoiding all possibilities of a broken me in the future. I figure I am already fractured and glued together in several places, whats another crack. Besides, it makes for a much more interesting portfolio.

Take chances, crush that fear, allow yourself to be happy, even if it means your odds are minimal. That one month, one week, one day, of sheer joy will ultimately be the only thing you will remember and get nostalgic about. Lets choose to allow ourselves to be happier, to be happy.

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