“Today is January 1st, 2015. What do you want to do with your life this year?” she asks me smirking because I am notorious for making resolutions I cannot keep. I laugh inwardly because I know its true, I’ve always been one too ‘determined to lose a few pounds,’ ‘learn a musical instrument,’ ‘gossip less,’ ‘be more charitable,’ ‘do yoga consistently,’ etc. etc. It lasts exactly 1 month before I knowingly brush my “resolutions” aside because of my new found life motto of ‘being true to how and who you truly are.’ Everything is easily manipulated to suit my owns moods, needs, desires, wants, in this girl’s life. But not this time.
Today is January 1st, 2015 and I want things to be exactly the way they were when I was woken up this morning by an alarm set at 11:50pm on December 31st so that we are awake for midnight together. To find myself so determined to want to be doing something so that my superstitious self can revel in the mere fact that that apparently will set the tone for the rest of the year. I’ve had youthful drunken New Years after party hopping and dancing till my feet hurt, I’ve had comforting New Years surrounded by family delighting in each other’s quips, I’ve had memorable New Years spent making last memories with friends who I will lose before the year ends, I’ve had depressing New Years where I will find myself asleep before the ball drops after having had one too many glasses of wine, I’ve had adventurous New Years where I will find myself walking down the main-street of a great metropolis dressed in only a strapless dress and heels in –1° weather. So much laughter, tears, love, loss and yet, this New Years has been the most meaningful. I don’t know if it is an age thing or if its just my good luck….the simple joys of life I spent indulging in this New Years (where I have not made a single resolution by the way) has come to mean the most. I hope this does set the tone for the year. So that I will find myself constantly amused and amazed, loved and in love, laughing and screaming, eating and drinking, sharing and just being. This New Years I am thankful for life and all the wonderful people it blesses me with.
And if I could tell you, through my unreasonable shyness and my antiquated values, just what I may have always wanted to say. And if I could show you, putting aside my fears and the self preservation, what physically translates into the words I struggle to find. You would know. That sometimes my heart does this thing, a rhythmic beating against its normal way. A sensation I dismiss only to find embraced. A gleeful smile across my everyday face. A fascination for every mundane exchange. All this and some, making me scarily happy. They say to find your soul mate, you need to discover your own soul first. The beauty of this is that in many ways you’ve helped me discover the depths of my own soul while being the soul mate I never believed existed. This is, once in acceptance, the greatest thing. This I believe is beyond just you and I. Because if I were to tell you, through the uncertainties and probabilities, just what it is this does to me. That sometimes my heart does this thing, a rhythmic beating against its normal way, a systemic shifting transforming me. Where it begins and where it shall end, we will never know. But whatever it is I will always be; grateful and indebted to have gotten the chance. To feel myself slowly becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. But still if I could tell you, despite my timidness and trepidation, just what you’ve come to mean to me. You would know. That I love you, with no doubt in my silly mind.
afraid to let him run his hands along the fractures of my being;
they say to be human is to be broken;
but to be broken is to be unwanted;
still the shrouded torments break with it;
my current will but also my current struggles;
seeking solace in the strings of companionship;
and the frayed ends of love;
to be human is to be broken;
but to be broken is to be life’s poetry.
All of us make the mistake of realizing something after it’s too late. I know I am definitely not myself a carpe diem type of person, but I try to be, especially when I know if I don’t do something, or say something, or accept something in that very moment, that when I am left in the shadows of that moments departing light, I will almost immediately regret it. Yes its rightly said that there has to be a balance for everything – a right so we know what is wrong; a sadness so we really appreciate joy; a darkness so we value the light; a yin to every yang – but one does not have to be found standing in the midst of the settling dust of a moment past in order to realize what you had or could have had. We are, each one of us, capable and intelligent enough to realize it while we are in the moment. It is only a matter of allowing ourselves to take a moment, just a little moment of introspection to realize it. I would urge everyone to, at any moment in their life, take a few moments to think about all those things in your life that are at the brink of brilliance, and realize what it is you must do in order to make it happen. Do you love someone? Say it now. Do you wish you could do something in particular? Just do it already (wait! unless it is something that will harm or hurt someone else, then you need to go to the second level of introspection i.e. psychotherapy haha just kidding. But really, do not harm other beings! None of us have the right). My brothers have always used ‘practice what you preach’ as their retaliation to most advice they’ve been given, so in order prove that I am practicing what I am preaching here are two major decisions I have made (major for me, kinda insignificant and pathetic for someone who just happened to stumble upon my blog and has no idea just WTF I am talking about. For those folks, I say, sorry…OR, you can go through my blog archives and get to know me better so by the time you get here and re-read this, you will be like, “YOU GO GIRL!!! Just a suggestion).
Okay, 1: I have looked into two writing programs. I have decided that whether I succeed or fail at getting into these two programs I don’t care, the first step is to try it. I know I want to write, and I feel a MFA would be a good place to start. Additionally, these two programs also happen to be in schools located in two of my favorite cities in the world. So this also covers my desire to relocate for a while. Two stones…no, two birds one stone….something like that.
2: I am going to ask a man out for the first time in my life. I am kinda known to banter about gender equality quite often but then one day I sat down to think about this interesting fellow I’ve met, and even though I am rather intrigued by him, I just don’t do anything about it. Why? because during one of my 2pm I-ate-too-much-lunch-and-cannot-work-but-will-daydream moment of INTROSPECTION (see, doing this leads to some crazy breakthroughs because I am about to tell you how I am going to be breaking gender stereotypes in a second), I realized I’ve never in my life asked any man out. So, I am going to do it (Boom! stereotype broken!!!). Because really I kind of think hes interesting, funny, and nice. So, carpe-f****-diem!
There, see, preaching what you sow, or reaping what you sow…..I can never get proverbs or idioms right the first time around. And then I say I want to be a writer 😦 Oh well!
Anyway, in light of my “words of wisdom” about brightening your life, here is an illuminating poem by the irradiating poetess Emily Dickinson 🙂 (See what I did there?)
“By a Departing Light” – Emily Dickinson
By a departing light
We see acuter, quite,
Than by a wick that stays,
There’s something in the flight
That clarifies the sight
And decks the rays.
Alright fine, I am not so much a mere twenty-something but a late-twenties lady. Twenty-something makes the possibility endless, like I could be twenty-one, or twenty-four, or twenty-four and a three quarters. There are infinite numbers between twenty and twenty-nine. I could have been any one of those. But no, I am in late twenties, practically thirty in 2-3 years (give or take). Sigh* You see, existential quarter-life crisis at full throttle.
1. How far along in life am I suppose to be now? By now, should I be a Senior Manager? Or is just Manager at my company good enough? Should I be taking marriage and children more seriously? Should I be concerned that those are never the thoughts that keep me up at night?
2. Its been two years since I began my manuscript. I still only have a little over 10,000 words, am I incapable of ever finishing up the book? Did I really just overestimate my writing abilities? Will just the little bit of my writing that I had hoped would be my little mark upon the world when Im gone never come to fruition? Was I stupid to think I am even capable of leaving a little mark upon the world, no matter how minuscule?
3. Why all of a sudden have I developed a sudden need/desire to seek out the one true thing that will make me happy. Why didnt I take my “whims and fancy” more seriously when I was younger and could afford to try new things, make mistakes, and then figure my shit out?
4. Who decided that life has to have all these milestones to measure by? Why are most of us, despite knowing better, so inherently concerned about meeting these milestones?
5. Why must everyone be expected to work extremely hard so you can be a “true success?” And when you do meet society’s standard of being that successful and that powerful, why must you down play the working extremely hard part to make it seem like everything brilliant comes so effortlessly to you? No one has the midas touch, NO ONE!
6. When did we begin to value a person’s worth only by looking at how many other people know about what they have accomplished? Why must the value of one persons life be inextricably linked to how many other people know about the said person’s life? Like, why does it feel like the world cares a little bit more about Snooki (of the Jersey Shore fame) than the nonprofit worker in my neighborhood whose built so many libraries for children in rural Bhutan?
7. And even when I realize that I often have the answers to all these nonsense existential questions I ask myself constantly, why is it that I choose to hide behind the “confusion” than to pull myself up by my bootstraps and make the leap to live the life I truly want instead of teetering precariously on the verge of contentment and confinement.
I read all these articles in women’s magazines where famous ladies write short pieces titled, ‘advice to my younger self,’ or ‘things i’d tell my twenty-something self,’ etc. and I often wonder too, if time travel really existed, what would my thirty-something self tell my twenty-something bemused self right now? Also, where did my thirty-something self get those fabulous boots and how in the world did I afford them? But I digress….